Tact

Happy Monday!

Imagine the feeling of freedom if only you could say what you REALLY mean?

Yes, that would be a relief. It would surely make your hearts lighter. I wish to say its gonna make your life less complicated, but maybe it won't. Nonetheless, it is worth the try.

I guess we have been asked to be careful what to say for so long that 1 of 3 things usually end up happening:

1. You manage to get your message across tactfully.
2. You were tactful but was too careful you lost the real message.
3. You do not know how to be tactful and give up on saying it altogether.

We do not like to oppose, be bearers of bad news or feel friction in our conversations. Yet, there will always be oppositions, bad news and unpleasant realities all around and we should be prepared to face them when needed.

1. Rectify your intention. Empathize.

You want to manage your tone? You want to say the correct words? You want to gather the courage to say what is difficult to say?

Look into your intentions. Are they because you want to make the person better? Is it to prevent a bad situation to get worse? Would you want to spare the person from the gossip mill? Would you want the person to realize the impression he is getting from the way he/she is conducting his/ her work/self.

As long as you have good intentions, and your emotions are aligned to your intentions, you are safe to proceed. Let your good intention guide your words and tone.

2. Anchor your listener's feelings.

Manage their expectations. Accuse yourself if you must. But give them a glimpse of what they may feel after hearing you out.

"I know how much effort you placed on preparing for that project and that you would be truly disappointed if it gets cancelled..."

"What I am about to say will come as an unpleasant surprise..."

"At the risk of sounding insensitive..."

"After this, you might think I'm a joke or that I was not a man of my words..."

Anchor them before letting the tide come in.

They are understood, you have made considerations, there is a necessity to the tone/thought you are about to use. At the same time, this also prepares you for whatever reaction you may trigger.

3. Start with the hard to say news.

After you anchor the feeling, get straight to the point. They are ready. Beating around the bush will make them lose balance again. Get it off your chest and take responsibility for the consequences. Do not over think.

4. State expectations and propose solutions.

What will change? What are the next course of action? How difficult would it be moving forward?

What now?

Accountability is often overlooked. We cannot be in control of circumstances but we are in control of how accountable we can be. We diffuse tension when we are willing to work towards solutions. In cases when the solution does not rely on you (as in circumstances when you are just providinh feedback) offer to support efforts from the person to correct the situation.

5. Even when all things fail, leave a good after taste.

Reiterate the intention and the solution. If they are willing to work on it, great. If not - do one of two things: One, give them benefit of the doubt. Two: give them time to consider.

Benefit of the doubt: you may not have full knowledge of all surrounding circumstances, you caught them at a bad time, they may already be doing something about it.

Time to consider: appreciate the time they spent hearing you out and that they have the prerogative to consider it. Give them time to think about it, to ruminate, to let things sink in.

These two things make the situation, maybe wrapped in tension, temporary. It gives you leverage to isolate this conversation from the rest of your relationship with the other person.

Easier said than done, I know. Nonetheless, and again, imagine if we learn how to say exactly what we mean even when its difficult to say? How much less agonizing it would be when we are in a difficult situation? How clearer conversations would be and how much more could people trust our words?

Get it off your chest and enjoy the week my friends!