Fake

Let me tell you a secret.  

Writing these blogs makes me feel like a fake. 

image from www.foundr.com

This is not the first time.  

I think of writing a book or organizing a talk and I stop dead in my tracks, because I feel like a fake.  I want to advise a friend to do something I have never done before (but makes sense in her situation) and I end up holding back because I feel like a fake.  

I pray, and I feel like a fake.  

Whenever I do something good, share something good, or express a standard, I feel like I am setting a bar even I could not reach.  I feel exhausted just thinking that people will expect me to be perfectly in tune with what I do value but could not consistently manifest. 

Feeling like a fake can make me anxious sometimes.  For many of us, feeling like a fraud can be very limiting - but are we, really?  

If the above description resonates with you, you are one of 70% of the population who has NEUROTIC IMPOSTOR SYNDROME.  

Neurotic impostor syndrome, according to Wikipedia, is a psychological pattern in which people doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, often internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud.  

Despite obvious skills or accomplishments, they do not feel like they deserve their success and that they are "bluffing" their way through life.  

I too feel like I am just "winging it" most of the time.  

Acceptance 

Neurotic Impostor syndrome was coined back in the 70s by Psychologist Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes.  I knew about it just a few months back.  It was liberating, to say the least.  First, because I am not alone. Second, because it has a name. Third, because now, I can stop beating myself up for always thinking I am not good enough; and that I just got lucky. and that my luck will run out anytime.  

Process

However, as in anything, overcoming a limiting paradigm involves a process.  

I started recognizing that not all that I think or feel is real.  EVERYBODY is not looking and judging and leaning over to evaluate how I live my life.  In fact, chances are, no one is looking.  

Then I decided that this process is ON ME.  I could accept my real achievements and my real failures.  Only by defining them objectively will I actually have use for them.  If I keep belittling my achievements and magnifying my failures, how can I have a good accounting of my growth process?

Acceptance

No. This is not a typo error.  This whole experience of coming to terms with Neurotic Impostor Syndrome starts and ends with Acceptance.  

I accept that though I may not have it all figured out, it does not mean I am not awesome.  

I accept that though I was raised well, my temperament can get the better of me a lot of times. 

I accept my pace, comfort zone, my journey. 

I accept that I could write whatever I want, because someone may need my message.  

I accept praise. They are real.  

Needless to say, this whole process also gave me a voice.  I no longer feel like I should wait to be a saint to talk about virtues.  I no longer feel like I should hurdle all of life's challenges before I could talk about life. I no longer feel like I should embody joy before I share with you what I already shared and will share in the future.  

I am a work in progress, and that is alright.  That makes me real.